Lessons from the Valentines Day Blues (part 3)

His & Her's

I'm completely blown away at the response I am getting on this impulsive and fun little mini-series about Valentines Day! I have had the chance to exchange ideas with several young, single women about it and to hear what is on their hearts... well, it's seriously amazing and so encouraging! It's also helped me to shape this last post into something that I hope we can all take to heart - whether single, dating, or married! 

If you missed them, click {here} for Part 1 and {here} for Part 2 of this series!

#3 True Contentment

I think one of the biggest reasons that Valentines Day is so difficult for singles is that it points out something you think you should have - whether that be a relationship or a husband.

In other words, it points out a big reason to be discontent. 

That's not to say that everyone reacts to Valentines Day like that, but I think it can be a bigger struggle than many let on.  In my own experience, I've flip flopped back and forth.  One year I was extremely happy that I didn't have a Valentine because, really - who needs that distraction.  Then the next, I thought to my sappy-self, for just once I'd like to get flowers and chocolate (lots of chocolate) from someone special on Valentines Day.  Then, of course, the next year it was all about having fun on S.A.D. (that is, Singles Awareness Day).  Yep, my girlfriends and I went out to dinner and had fun just being us!  Single and free!  And yet I still came home to think... if only I had had a date with a man tonight.

I actually laugh now thinking about my thoughts from Valentines Days in the past.  This is not to say I've got it all figured out, but looking back I see what the major problem was.  My feelings were taking their cue from my circumstances and my expectations.  I marveled at the injustice in the world because I  didn't have a boyfriend and I wondered why I wasn't married yet.  My focus was off.  Way off. 

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.Philippians 4:11-13

Look what Paul says, "...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content."  Wow!  Now, we have to remember that at this point Paul was in prison writing this letter to the church at Philippi to not only encourage them but to call them to boldly proclaim the name of Christ and live together in unity (Phil. 1:27-30).  His reference of learning to be content wasn't merely talking about his current circumstance (or even his singleness - though I think in a small way that could apply) but it was referring to the fact that whether he was in prison or not, whether he was among friends and believers or not, or even whether things were going well or going very badly - he had learned to be content in all of it.

Bringing this back to Valentines Day, I have to ask myself - am I content?  I'm not asking if I'm happy or satisfied in my circumstances, I think those are very different questions.  I'm asking whether or not I'm content in Christ because ultimately, even if I'm currently content in my singleness but that isn't founded in Christ, then that will slip away too. 

Our hearts are so tricky... especially as women, but just being human in general, it's really difficult to love God before all else. Things slip in and we attach our hearts to them.  We care for our friends, we enjoy our job, we want our "me" time... the list goes on.  None of these things are inherently bad, but when they become the sole focus of our heart, they take the place of God.  They become idols and they let us down every time, driving us further and further away from true contentment.

So what is true contentment? 
 
I believe a great definition of true contentment is to, “...love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" (Matt. 22:37).  It's the greatest commandment according to Jesus, and it also puts everything else into perspective.  If I'm loving God with all that I am, how could I love something else (greater than I love Him, that is).  Plus, in the following verse Jesus says that the next greatest commandment is to, "love your neighbor as yourself" (Matt. 22:39).  I think the order of these is extremely important and gives us a direct path to follow toward true contentment in Christ. 

To be truly content in singleness, we must first be truly content in who we are in Christ.  That means He is our everything.  We are defined by Him.  In order to do that, we have to spend time in His word to get to know Him, we need to be in constant conversation with Him, and we should be modeling our lives after His (practically outlined for us in the gospels).  Secondly, we must love others.  We are defined by love (see part 1 of this series).  

I chose the picture for this last part because it reminds me of an old married couple (yes, I'm aware that it's just chairs).  At first, when I thought of this picture (especially in conjunction with Valentines Day) it made me a little sad.  I desire marriage (and no, this is not a bad desire).  In my heart I know that it is a beautiful blessing from the Lord and I want to experience that as well as the refinement that comes from marriage.  But, the longer I thought about this the more I realized that my overriding joy and satisfaction in Christ is enough.  No, it's more than enough!  

I won't lie and say it's been easy - in fact, it has been a long and difficult road to this point (and I'm still going), but I will say that I know a peace that I could not have found in anything else other than Christ.  That peace and satisfaction is complete, lacking in nothing, and only possible in Him.  Even if I do get married some day I will never find that kind of joy in a man - ever!  I will forever need to be setting Christ before me and seeking out true contentment in Him.

Today, on Valentines Day, I can say that my response is not one of disappointment because I won't be getting flowers from a man, it's one of joy because I am whole in Christ and truly content!  I pray that the Lord will continue to shape my heart into what He wants it to be, to show me to love the way He loves, and to cherish this season in my life for what it is - a blessing. 

Happy Valentines Day!

A gift of flowers from the Lord this morning :)

Lessons from the Valentines Day Blues (part 2)

E.A. Creative Photography

Welcome back!  If you missed part 1 of my Valentines Day Blues lessons, check it out {here}.  If not, please... do continue :)

# 2... Successful Singleness

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines success as:

a : degree or measure of succeeding

b : favorable or desired outcome

Don't you love it when the dictionary uses a form of the word to define the word (heavy sarcasm here)?  

The definition of success is pretty straight forward and I think we could probably come up with many examples of people who have succeeded in many different areas.  A few that come to mind are Steve Jobs and Apple, Billy Graham and evangelism, or Bill Gates and...well, money (among other things).  Their success is well known pretty much across the board.  I don't think that success has to be broadcast for it to be success though. 

So, what is successful singleness, then?  In my humble opinion this question can be answered with (or maybe through) another question:

If you're single, what do you do? 

Now, I'm not asking what your job is.  I'm not asking what your hobbies are, either.  I'm not even asking what you like to do for fun.  What I am asking is, what is your life about? How you answer that question tells a lot about what you hold valuable and what you'll sacrifice for.

Think about it for a second - as a single person you answer to no one but yourself.  You make your time schedule, you spend your money how you like, and you have a certain type of freedom that's unique to only single people. When you think of it that way, you can see that being single is a huge blessing, but also a huge responsibility. There is a large area of leeway because you're technically not answering to anyone. Then how do you "succeed" in singleness?

 

I believe you can succeed in your singleness by not making it about YOU.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 
[Philippians 2:3-4]

These verses have impacted me so much recently.  As I have thought through the implications of them not only in a church perspective but as a personal directive to me, I've realized that the success of my singleness hinges on what I make my life about. Or maybe I should say who I make my life about.
>I'd wager this is the case for all, not just singles ;)

 

Some practical things for us singles...

 

Time.  We have it.  No - don't go trying to tell me you're busy with this, that, and the other.  Despite the busyness in life that we singles face, we still have time to devote to other things.  I think if we were to be 100% honest with our time allotments, we'd find we spend more of it on ourselves than we'd like to admit (I'm lumping myself right on in there too!).  So the real question becomes, how do we spend our time?  

 

Finances.  Whether or not we are working full-time or trying to make ends meet working several jobs, we still need to be a blessing with our finances as well.  In fact, I'd say now is the best time to learn to be generous because habits that are formed now can be established and can grow as we grow in the Lord and in age. 

 

 Focus.  What are we focused on?  Is this time of singleness a time we use to do what we want, or are we using it for growth?  Do we open up our lives to those who are older and wiser so that they can speak into our lives?  Are we seeking to establish good habits with the Lord now - or are we believing the lie that "once were married" we'll suddenly wake up early, study the Bible for an hour before work, pray all the time, and learn to serve in the church? (And no, that won't actually happen...)

These are just a few areas where we can assess our success as singles but there are many more.  The last point about focus hits closest to home for me.  I want to make sure that I'm not placing my hope or expectations on or in anything other than Christ. 

 

As Valentines Day approaches, take time to check out the success of your singleness.  It's not about doing a lot of things, but it is about being purposeful.  It's time for us to stop using our singleness as an excuse to do what we want, but to instead use it as a means to accomplish what the Lord wants for our lives.  I'm excited to be reminded of this myself, and to ask the Holy Spirit to enable me to better serve in this extra freedom I have. 

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For you ladies out there, Elizabeth Elliot has written some fantastic books for women dealing with singleness and life in general.  To me, she is the epitome of a woman who's focus is on the Lord, no matter the circumstances.  If you don't know her story, you should look into it! Two of my favorite books from here are Let Me Be A Woman and The Path of Loneliness. 

Lessons from the Valentines Day Blues (part 1)

Red hearts.  Chocolate.  Flowers.  Balloons. 

They are everywhere!

Have you noticed them?  I mean, how could you not see them?  They started appearing just slightly after Christmas (if not before) and their numbers have increased exponentially since then.

I do have to ask myself, as a single woman, what I'm supposed to do with this unconventional, seemly contrived "holiday"?  It's a valid question seeing as how I have no one with which to shower ridiculous gifts upon and no one to receive them from. 

I think a few things become clear when I start to think of this "holiday" (and yes, I refuse to allow it to be a real one without quotations).   I have decided to explore these things in a three part mini series called "Lessons from the Valentines Day Blues".  I don't want the name to fool you though, for I have no intention of wallowing in my singleness or focusing on a negative aspect of Valentines Day either ;)

Love

#1...LOVE

I've hear it said L is for the way you look....blah blah blah, but I think that's hardly the case!  Reflecting upon Valentines Day without hearing the word love is just not a do-able thing.  Of course, love is going to make its way on the scene.  I mean really, with all those cut-out paper hearts hanging around how could the L-word not be mentioned? So, to bring it back around to what I'm supposed to do with this "holiday", I feel compelled to reflect on love first.

You probably saw this coming...

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us." 1 John 4:7-12 (emphasis mine)

This is one of my favorite passages about love in the Bible and I think it creates the perfect response to a day supposedly focused on love.  I may be single, but that doesn't mean I can't love!  In fact, if I'm reading this correctly, I'm called to love just like God loves us.  That is such a HUGE responsibility but also a HUGE blessing.

In this Valentines Day Blues lesson, my first takeaway is to remember that February 14 can be a day that I choose to love others.  When I see those candy hearts, when I watch other girls walking around with beautiful flowers, or even when I remember that I may not have someone here on earth to give me those things, my heavenly Father has already loved me more than any guy could.  He "sent his Son to be the propitiation for [my] sins" and I've got to say, I can't ask for more (or better) than that!

I challenge you single ladies (I hope you started singing the song in your head...) to not let yourselves get burned down with this day but instead take it as an opportunity to remember what true love is! 

For the rest of you - married or not - you can participate in this too!  We have an opportunity to be reminded all day (and on into the future) to love one another, to serve one another, and to remember the overwhelming love God has shown us in the sacrifice of His Son for us.  Now that is a definite reason to celebrate!