Why I Failed NaNoWriMo And Why It's Okay | NaNo Day 29

Things change. I feel like that has been the mantra of my life as of late. Things I'd planned on, hopes I'd had, ideas that seemed to be part of the future were close to my grasp...and then a shift, a turn, a change. I'd like to say that I'm good with such changes--that I embrace them with fervor and turn my smiling face to the next, new thing--but I'm not. I may not be horrible with them either, but I wouldn't classify myself as a "go with the flow" person all of the time. I'm more of a "the flow has changed? let's make a new plan" type.

That's why, when I looked at the reality of accomplishing NaNoWriMo a few days ago and saw that it would mean writing 6,667 words a day (on top of my 3,500 words I have to write for my freelance work and running my Etsy shop) I knew it wasn't possible.

This breaks my heart. I had so looked forward to my NaNo novel and really getting a jumpstart on it. I challenged myself to make a grand comeback this year as my 9th year. After a hiatus last year I thought, This is the year! But that wasn't to be.

You see, I have this thing with expectations. I'm terrible about them. I start to formulate the future, planning for things that should never be counted on due to the volatile nature of life, and then, when they crumble, I'm left feeling like a failure. It's not hard to do when you are trying so hard to be perfect...yet another flaw of mine.

But, in life as in NaNo, I can't be perfect. I can't live the perfect life, I can't write the perfect story, I can only follow the Perfect One. Despite all of the changes, disappointments, surprises, and confusion recently, there is one constant in my life. Christ. He beckons me to Himself telling me that it's alright to let go. To unclench my fisted hands and give up the notion that I can maneuver the rocky trails of my life on my own. Whether that be with relationships or writing, I can only plan on One thing: His faithfulness.

I've failed National Novel Writing Month, but I haven't failed Him. I'm 30,000 words into a Sci-fi novel I'm really enjoying. I'm home with my family for the holiday season. I'm on the path that He has set before me. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking blind, but that's the time to cling more tightly to Him and to trust. So maybe this whole failure thing isn't that bad...

Did you participate in NaNoWriMo? How did you do? Will you finish by tomorrow?

Jesus in real life {Thinking Theology}

E.A. Creative Photography

I’m tired.

And I’m guessing I’m not the only one out there who is thinking those very same words. Possibly even saying them as an excuse (though a valid one) right now.

*Yawn* Yep, still tired.

But, you know what? That’s okay.

I’ve come to realize that life doesn’t look as pretty as I thought it once did. I know that sounds slightly defeatist, but I’m not treading down that path. I’m only reflecting on the fact that, the older you get, the more you've seen. The more you've experience. The more that affects you.

Sometimes, it’s so much that it threatens to overwhelm me. I see the hurt in the world and think – why can’t I do something about it? I see those in need and think – why can’t I give them more? I see the unloved and think – how can I love them like He did? These are all good things to think, but they require a lot of time, resources, and effort.

In the midst of this I wonder...what heaven will be like? I start to think about the sick being healed and the Lord personally wiping away my tears.

I think of that, and then I think of where we live now, and I see the disparity between the two. And yet, it’s okay to be like this, because He promises to come again. He promises to make things new. He promises to heal this broken and torn down world.

I’ve been thinking about Jesus in real life.

How He loved those around him who were dirty. How He spent time with those that the religious leaders wouldn't. How He broke the mold of rules and regulations with a new covenant of love. How He put aside His desires for the sake of His Father and for us…ultimately giving up His last breath in order for ours to never cease.

Now I’m awake.

I’m thinking about His love. His grace. His just governing. His righteous right hand. His overwhelming goodness. His promises.

We live in darkness here, shadowed by the cloud of sin on an Earth ruled by the prince of the air, but there will come a day when we will no longer squint to see the truth. We will rise with Him, our feet pounding the pavement of a new earth restored to perfection beyond our wildest dreams.

Can you see it? Can you feel the exhilaration of hope that those thoughts bring?

So today, though you may be tired—though I am tired—let us put our thoughts away from present suffering and turn them to the future. Turn them to the One who upholds us. The One who never leaves nor forsakes us.

And let us be renewed.

Heartbroken but not hopeless

Just a quick post to say that I'm heart broken over the news of what happened in Boston. 

Sometimes the things of this world just drag a person down. I was at a conference this weekend where our topic was joy (recap post coming soon) and I am reminded from my time at the conference that we can have joy through suffering.  It doesn't come immediately. It's not easy. It's also not a feeling (ie: it doesn't mean you always have a smile on your face). It's an understanding that though terrible things happen, we only see things in part and we are asked to trust the Lord in His plans.  This type of steadfast joy is rooted in the hope of Christ.

This doesn't make things "ok". It's not supposed to.  We are meant to mourn.  But - It does mean that there is a plan in all things. I don't mean to say that there is a plan for disaster, but there is a plan to bring healing out of brokenness.  Redemption is possible through Christ.  He is the author and perfecter of our faith (as well as all things). 

I am praying for comfort for the families who have been affected. I am praying for peace for those who were injured and may be facing fear as a result. I am praying for their neighbors to come along side them and to offer help, support, and most of all love.

May Christ be the HOPE in this situation.

comparison & perfection

Comparison kills.  I heard it described once (and I'm totally paraphrasing) that if a girl walks into a room with other girls around she will automatically compare herself to all of those girls.  She'll eventually end up deciding that she is equal to some, better than others, and not as good as some too.  The sad thing is that this is all too true. 

What is it that makes us do this?  Girl or not, I'm sure everyone has struggled with comparing themselves to others when it comes to their relationship with God.  This too is a grievous thing.  We start to analyze our relationship with God and then we see others who we think are better at it than we are, and we get discouraged.  Suddenly, this newly established standard of "near-perfection" is unobtainable and results in a few different responses.  We can become despondent and apathetic, thinking that our faith will never be that great or that inspiring and we slide down the slippery slope of self-deprecation.  We can become angry and frustrated, blaming God for our own lack of zeal and motivation.  We can become drastic, thinking that, at this point in time, we are not what we should be so therefore we never will be, which can lead to giving up.  Or we can see the inspiration that someone elses walk with God can be, latch hold of it, and use it to fuel a desire for deeper devotion to the Lord.

This last option is of course the best response, but isn't always the easiest.  There have been so many times in my life that I've seen someone else react to a bad situation with such hope and strength that I've been tempted to respond like the prior three.  There have also been times where I've gotten to know someone and thought, "I wish my faith was as deep and genuine as theirs - I fear I'll never be that devoted to God".  It's easy in those situations to compare my situation or my faith with theirs but what a ridiculous thing to do.  If I were to be advising myself in the situation I would have said something like, "Really?  You're comparing your faith to someone who has been a Christian for at least 10 years more than you?". 

When I really stop to think this through, I almost laugh (almost) because, no matter the situation I'm in, someone has probably gone through something similar to it and more than likely they responded poorly the first time.  I hype these things up in my mind and think, I'm hopeless because my first response wasn't what it should have been.  Praise God I even recognized that it was a poor response!  The right reaction and response, I believe, comes from responding poorly the first time.  This may not be the case in every instance, but how do we as humans learn?  We fail, and then we adjust the next time by His grace. 

I am saddened to see myself fail or to see others fail as well, but that doesn't mean there isn't hope for the future!  When we compare ourselves to others we are setting a standard for us that God never intended.  I think we forget one BIG truth that supersedes all of this - Who should we really be comparing ourselves to?  Christ!  And, if we all were compared with Him, we'd all fall short (Romans 3:23) so that puts us all in the same sinking boat!  It's only by God's grace that any of us is saved or that any of us can respond in the correct manner and that is a huge relief!  When we realize this, we are no longer convicted by others faith that seems 'greater' than our own but instead we are inspired. 

I guess this has just been heavy on my heart recently.  My eyes have been opened by conversations with women who I would have initially thought were perfect but, when it comes right down to it, struggle with the exact same things I do.  It's a danger when we feel as if we need to appear like we have it all together.  It creates this false sense of security for ourselves as well as a false image for others.

The only Perfect One is Christ.  By His grace He has allowed some to be a little 'further along' in their walk and that should never been seen as a hindrance but rather an encouragement!  Paul said, "I do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as my beloved children...I urge you, then, be imitators of me." (1 Corinthians 4:14,16).  Let's be real with one another, encourage one another, and not let the shame of our own failings seep in and cause us to disrepair.  

strength in numbers

This last weekend I was blessed to take part in the women's conference for my church!  I was able to see it shaped, molded, and formed into a different type of conference for the women this year.  We assessed the conferences from years past and felt the Lord directing us to simplify things.  We used to have 5 speakers, this year we had 3, we used to have maybe 20 minutes for personal time this year we had 30-40.  All of it was geared toward us, as women in the body of Christ, coming together and sharing our struggles and triumphs in  order to become a more cohesive unit in the church. 

I'll admit to being slightly wary of what this weekend was going to look like.  I'm a planner, a HUGE organizer, and a weekend where a lot of aspects were left up to "the Holy Spirits leading" was admittedly a bit frightening.  I say this now with regret because, looking back, I see how there was no way in which I could have planned it better and, because of our flexibility, I was able to spend valuable time discussing what the next session would look like right before we started.  It gave me a fresh perspective, anticipation, and immense peace.  We knew that God would be leading us, which meant undoubtedly it would be to His glory, not ours. 

As the conference came to a close on Sunday, we introduced  a 90 program (for lack of a better word) that is to help instill a habit of discipleship and personal time with the Lord.  The Aletheia (as we are calling it) falls on the heels of the men's version, The Alliance, and we use The City, a web-based communication system similar to Facedbook for our church, to keep in touch as women through these 90 days. 

We're only on day 3 but already I know I have personally been so encouraged.  The other women have also mentioned they feel the same way.  There is a daily scripture passage to read and then we are able to reflect on what the Lord is teaching us through that passage, struggles, triumphs, or just encouragements and prayer requests to each other every day.  It's a lot of posts to read through, but they are the second best thing (to the scripture reading that is). 

As I read through this morning (and again this afternoon to catch posts I hadn't yet seen) it hit me how truly amazing and unique this is.  I'm not saying that we've found something better than any other church, or that we are better at community because we're doing this program, but I have noticed a few things.  First, I've noticed the urge to pray more!  To pray immediately when a sister shares a struggle, or when there is a triumph mentioned, to praise God for it.  Secondly, I have noticed a lot of struggles and trials - persecution if you will.  It is hard and painful, but at the same time encouraging in a way because the devil doesn't attack someone who's not a threat.  I wouldn't wish the hardships we are facing on anyone, but I do choose to be encouraged by it and strengthened by the fact that God is right there with us, facing the hard times and, most importantly, giving us strength to make it through! 

I am so thankful to the women who are vulnerable and open, who struggle yet turn to Christ, who see the blessings and thank God for them.  I know I am not alone in my walk, and God has provided a way for me to tangibly see that!  Praise Him :)

hope.

Things turn our differently than you think they will.  Our grand ideas of the world usually dissolve into reality like salt in water.  We don't realize what we used to think until we taste it and the saltiness comes out in full force. 
I think back to high school which seems like a mere moment ago and realize how much has changed.  Now is real but so was then.  How do I reconcile what I thought was going to happen with what did?  Do I make excuses for what I've done or didn't do?  For who I've become from who I was - the good and the bad?
Why do some moments come back so clear?  The pain.  The joy.  The confusion.  The excitement. The loss.  All with equal force and yet unequal in their importance.  I want so much to remember the good in volumes and yet the bad often out weighs it.
The faces of the past loom before me.  Was it my job to do more and I didn't?  Does that question even help the situation?  Probably not.  It just mocks me as I stare into the distance...wondering.
Things come in shades for me.
Dusty beige for parts of my past faded and gone.
Yellow and shining for the things I remember with fondness.
Hazy blue and grey for the sad times I know I needed but wish I could have evaded.
Green for the future.  For what could and can be.  In a word, hope.
Hope.
I see lots of green these days.
There are shadows and hints of grey and blue but they usually entice me to find the green that's to be held in His hands.
How can I dwell in the past and keep my gaze on what was when that will never change?  Only the future holds treasures to be found and joy to be uncovered.  The future, trapped only by the present, holds true reward.
I choose to place my focus in His hands.  To see the green when the blue and grey threaten to choke it out. 
I choose to live in hope.