Loving When the Going Gets Rough

 My heart is burdened today by the fact that we toss out the word love without truly understanding it. We limit what it looks like, what it can do, and what it should do.

I feel like the definition of love has been changed. It now solely means that a person must accept anything and everything regardless of what they may personally believe or feel convicted about. I'm not going to debate the major issue here because I don't think this is the platform for it, but I do want to shed some light on the idea of love and tolerance and what that really means and looks like.

Tolerance: The ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with (source).

What does it mean to tolerate something? I feel as if the definition is clear, but from what I've seen and observed there mere act of "tolerating" something you don't agree with is now not enough.

A slightly silly example:

If I'm out getting dessert with a group of close friends and I say that I tolerate ice cream but I love cookies, my friends will (rightly) infer that I will be getting cookies rather than ice cream. What crosses the line is when a friend steps up and says,"No, you must like ice cream." At that point we would have a conversation about how I don't want ice cream and prefer cookies as a dessert.

What really becomes the issue here is when that same friend cries out to the rest of our group of friends pointing their finger at me and saying, "Can you believe it? She doesn't like ice cream! How can she choose to not like ice cream? I say we kick her out of our group and tell everyone else about how unfair it is that she doesn't like ice cream."

That's ridiculous. And I know that it is an imperfect example, but there are elements of truth there. It is perfectly fine to disagree with someone about...well, anything. The issue becomes when your disagreement (or the fact that you hold to a certain belief system) becomes "hate" or your preference is no longer valid.

I want to express one thought that many have already brought to the table - I'll be white noise at this point - but it's the reality of what marriage is. I personally don't think marriage should ever have been the issue because it's a word. Right now, in lieu of the recent law passing, the definition of marriage is being rewritten.

I am someone who uses words for a living and I have to ask, can we do that? Better yet, can the government do that? Can they pick and choose what words they wish to redefine? If tomorrow I picked up a spoon and said, "This is no longer a spoon, it is a fork" you'd think I was crazy. You would also politely remind me that we already have forks and that I can't just go around making up my mind that something that is established should be changed.

What is marriage? It's a covenant between a man and a woman that is united by and under God. It is an example of Christ and the church.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
- Ephesians 5:22-33

Ok, so things have changed. What is the response then? The response is one of love - but true, Gospel-centered love.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

I understand the desire to fight, bicker, or argue over what is right and wrong. Some could see this post as that, but it's not. In fact, it's my call for us to respond in love even when we are not given the some consideration. It's tempting to want to fight or to point out the disparity between what some are demanding and what is right, just, and fair.

This is our time to show Christ and what true love looks like. It isn't accepting sin, but it's also not condemning (that is God's role). It isn't angry fighting, but it's also not refraining from engaging (all of this covered in a loving response). It's also not the loss of hope, but a call to prayer (there is always hope in every situation because God can--and will--enter in to every area).

Pray for our nation. Respond in love.

Marriage, Love, and the Power of the Holy Spirit

I've been doing a little reading recently and have come across two (very different) amazing articles that I thought I'd share with you, my dear readers.  I've also included my reflections on each article - I'd love to hear your what you think of them as well!

First, I came across this article:

Three Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married by Tyler Ward

E.A. Creative Photography

I'm not married (as evidence by my Valentines Day Blues post) but I do enjoy reading about what others think/recommend/advise about it.  I look at it like this: if I get married I'll be aware & prepared, if I don't - oh well!  I blogged about the book Altared by Claire and Eli which had such a fresh and inspiring perspective on love, marriage, and singleness.  If you haven't read it yet (the book, that is) YOU SHOULD!! 

But, back to the article... I appreciated Ward's points.  I think the first one is my "favorite".  One of the things I've heard from my various married friends is that marriage is not a fairy tale.  In my naive, single-person perspective I'd like to think it's possible to have a "happy ever after" ending...forever.  In reality, it really is two sinners coming together and living under the same roof.  To me, that does sound like a recipe for disaster. 

I think the only way that marriage can work and not end in divorce is to put Christ at the center.  That's where, with Ward's second point, I have to disagree - maybe just a little?  I mean, I get where he's coming from and what he's trying to say - put your spouse first because your selfishness is what is getting in the way.  I see evidence of my own selfishness just within the context of living with a roommate!  It's so easy to put me first and ignore Jenn or what is best for her.  When I put me aside and focus on what is best for her, my attitude becomes one of service and not selfishness. 

However, I do think the only way that anyone can "fix" this selfishness problem is by putting God first - that is, having Christ at the center of any relationship, whether marriage, friendship, or roommate-ship (yes, I just made up a word).  I wont sit here and say I know how to do this well, but it is definitely something I want to strive toward now and (maybe) in marriage.  I'm sure Ward was not insinuating that married couples should put one another before the Lord, but I just wanted to make that little statement anyway.

Second, this article:

My Train Wreck Conversion by Rosaria Champagne Butterfield

I love the tagline of this article from Christianity Today: "As a leftist lesbian professor, I despised Christians. Then I somehow became one."

I happened upon this article from a friends post on Facebook and all I could see was the tagline, but I knew I had to read it.  It's definitely a controversial topic, but worth the read.  The article is so well written and comes from such an educated perspective! 

1 John chapter 4 = understanding of love

I had two favorite parts: One was the response to her own article that made Butterfield take pause - the pastor who's letter she read and tried to throw away but couldn't.  He gives us such a fantastic testimony to all Christians as to the way in which we can speak truth in love.  Truth is a sword but when it's used like an ax we end up hacking peoples emotions (whether spiritual or intellectual) to bits.  Instead, when used through the power of the Holy Spirit, it can be a truly beautiful thing.   It can be done in love!

The second thing that stood out to me was the incredibly powerful nature of the Holy Spirit and His work in the hearts and lives surrounding this story.  I mean - talk about amazing! Here was a woman living a lifestyle of sin, actively perusing her flesh, and what did God do?  He placed people and situations in her life to woo her to Himself.  That makes me want to cry in wonder and shiver in awe all at the same time!  It's such a beautiful story of redemption through love that drives me to seek out ways in which I can respond in all situations with Christ's love - not on my own strength but through His.


These articles, though completely different in topics, are worth the read!  I'd love to hear what  your thoughts were on them!

Altared | Book Review

I set out with high expectations for this book and they were not unfulfilled!  Altared by Claire & Eli was a fantastic book summed up perfectly by this statement from the cover: "The true story of a she, a he, and how they both got too worked up about we."

I'd love to be able to perfectly sum up this book within a few short paragraphs but I feel that would rob you of the joy of reading it for yourself.  Instead, I shall just wet your taste buds and hope that this unashamed act of manipulation will cause you to rush out to the nearest bookstore (or better yet the ever-fast-shipping Amazon) to buy this book and experience it for yourself.  The rest will merely be my musings on singleness in the Christian world today - take it or leave it for what it is.

Being a single woman in today's society I have experienced most, if not all, of the responses, accusations, judgments, hypothesizes, and conclusions this book discusses.  Some have come from others, some from my own mind, and some from articles or other forms of media out there today.  All of these things combine to create a confusing, if not inaccurate view of what it means to be a single person, namely a Christian person, in the world today.  The pressures put on singles to be married are faced almost daily in some cases and you can’t help but wonder, “What if God is less worked up about marriage than we are?” (from the back cover)

The first unusual thing I noticed about this book was its brilliant combination of story and theology.  This is not merely a book telling you what to think or reason about God, but rather a story of two people who have found their intertwined lives impacted by the realization that our story is really more His story (or, at least, it should be).  Their playful combination of loves first-looks and the residual sense of confusion as like turns to dating, draws the reader in, subtly giving way to deeper thoughts on such concepts as what true love is (as modeled by Christ), self-denial and what that actually looks like, and even the taboo topic of loneliness and how that can be a positive thing when turned into accurately-focused solitude.

One of the themes of the book I resonated with the most was the fact that our modern Christian culture is heavily saturated with “marriage-happiness” which is (in their definition): “having an inordinate preoccupation with marital pursuits, sometimes at the cost of other Christian priorities, commonly seen in evangelicals” or “a giddiness stemming from all things related to marriage”.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve slipped into this but also the number of times others have pushed me into this or have spoken about my singleness out of a “marriage-happy” perspective.  Are we really that focused on marriage that being single is now a sin or is it, at the very least, a passing phase that we must endure in order to make it to the high spiritual plateau of marriage?  I think not.  

Obviously marriage is a beautiful thing.  A refining thing.  Something the Bible holds in high regard, but it is not an ultimate thing nor the only way to be refined.  If it were, then passages like 1 Corinthians 7 would be very out of place in the Bible.  I wont get into this argument too much because I think the book does a great job of discussing it – much better than I could.  But it is something to think about.  Why is the idea of singleness anathema in Christian circles? More over, why is marriage upheld as the best thing a single person could enter into with no regard to their personal relationship with the Lord.  Have we really considered the fact that it may be better for us singles to remain single and devoted to the Lord?  Sounds like I’m either making the case for complete singleness or just justifying my own single status huh?  Well, that is not at all my platform.  I want to be married as much as any other girl, but these are questions that have arisen from Altared and I think they are legitimate.  

I shall close this haphazard book review by merely saying this: no matter your Facebook relationship status (ie: married, in a relationship, single, it’s complicated….) you should check out this book.  The refreshing way it’s written will not only entertain you (at the least) but it will also challenge you.  You don’t need to be single to gain something from this book – in fact I’d highly recommend reading it if you are married as well!  I believe it could change the way we view relationships and friendships within our church, community, and life while simultaneously affecting the way marrieds and singles interact.  The principles relayed in the book are Biblically based and therefore appropriate in all areas of life.

I will leave you with a quote from the end of the book.  It’s so simply stated and Biblical, and I feel it perfectly sums up the ultimate goal to this book: “To follow Christ, we must lose our lives to gain them.  To love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love our neighbor as ourselves, we must deny ourselves and take up our crosses daily” (228).