Disconnected

Feeling a bit disconnected today and had the urge to write about it. I don't have the "answers" to change the feeling, but I do know that (after writing this) I can pinpoint what I'm feeling better and know what forward momentum looks like. 

I've been feeling all sorts of things recently. Perhaps it's the fallout of a year+ out of touch with so many, or maybe it's just seeing all of my friends gathering at things I'm not able to attend this year, but I feel disconnected. 

The writer's life is one of quietness. It may begin with a conversation or continue through plot-talk with writer friends, but ultimately the true work of writing is done on your own. You connect with your characters, you write their story, you uncover (or plot) what will happen to them. Then you work it out through writing, re-writing, and edits. 

Friends do play a role in this - like my amazing critique partners! - but I've really started to see how lonely writing is these last few months. I think that's compounded by the fact my writer friends all live far away and I can't schedule a time to see them whenever I want. 

Some of this is also the type of writer that I am. I am much less collaborative than some people I know. I keep my circle of readers (and therefore influencers into my work) small. I don't do this for an egotistical reason, but more so for the fact that it's how I create. 

But the quietness stretches. 

The well that's filled by human connection shallows and questions surface.

Would I be accepted into this group? Would I be welcome? Would my writing be valid? Is my writing good enough? Where do I fit in? Am I good enough? 

It is so easy to look around at peoples social media and think: I'm missing out. I'm missing all the fun they are having. The connection. I'm missing the beach vacation. I'm missing the tan-lines. I'm missing the gatherings. I'm missing...it all. 

Me at the lake in my new inflatable kayak

My husband and I are pretty busy with work this summer. I already took off one week to go to camp with the students I lead for my job as Youth Director and, while that was a blast, it wasn't a vacation - I came back much more exhausted than when I left - and then I got a sinus infection to boot. Due to all of that, this summer hasn't offered a lot of rest. There have been a few days on the lake that have been perfect, but it's been unreasonably hot (100+ for over 3 weeks now) and we don't have the time to take off at the moment.

The question shifts then to: what am I getting - rather than what am I missing. 

On a Monday like today it feels like the answer to this is "not much". I'm getting predictable (hot) days, I'm getting work done, I'm getting more seeped into that feeling of isolation. I'm getting things, but they aren't what I want. 

Beside that, I'm also getting a chance to shift my focus. If this rambling post means anything (which to many it may not) then I'd say this: if you're feeling left out...I hear you. If you're feeling burnt out...I'm there too. If you're feeling disconnected...I feel that too. 

But a good reminder to us all is that we don't have to go to the beach or to another country to relax. We don't have to gather in large groups to feel connected. We don't even have to take off a full week to feel refreshment (even if that would be great!). 

I'm not going to say I feel "happy" at the end of this revelatory post. I still feel tired and disconnected and isolated, but I know that sometimes we dip into those lows for a chance to experience the blessing of coming out of them. 

I choose to believe that this very Monday of Monday's will pass. Not because I'm productive or because I 'figured it out' but because life shifts and it can go from dark to life in a matter of moments. May the dark moment be brief and the light that much longer.