Tuesday, February 7, 2012

hope.

Things turn our differently than you think they will.  Our grand ideas of the world usually dissolve into reality like salt in water.  We don't realize what we used to think until we taste it and the saltiness comes out in full force. 
I think back to high school which seems like a mere moment ago and realize how much has changed.  Now is real but so was then.  How do I reconcile what I thought was going to happen with what did?  Do I make excuses for what I've done or didn't do?  For who I've become from who I was - the good and the bad?
Why do some moments come back so clear?  The pain.  The joy.  The confusion.  The excitement. The loss.  All with equal force and yet unequal in their importance.  I want so much to remember the good in volumes and yet the bad often out weighs it.
The faces of the past loom before me.  Was it my job to do more and I didn't?  Does that question even help the situation?  Probably not.  It just mocks me as I stare into the distance...wondering.
Things come in shades for me.
Dusty beige for parts of my past faded and gone.
Yellow and shining for the things I remember with fondness.
Hazy blue and grey for the sad times I know I needed but wish I could have evaded.
Green for the future.  For what could and can be.  In a word, hope.
Hope.
I see lots of green these days.
There are shadows and hints of grey and blue but they usually entice me to find the green that's to be held in His hands.
How can I dwell in the past and keep my gaze on what was when that will never change?  Only the future holds treasures to be found and joy to be uncovered.  The future, trapped only by the present, holds true reward.
I choose to place my focus in His hands.  To see the green when the blue and grey threaten to choke it out. 
I choose to live in hope.